


Words I couldn’t tell you kept lingering in my mouth

by crescentbin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Out of Character, Polyamory, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Notes, it's supposed to be ot9 in a relationship but you gotta squint, please read the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 13:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16934301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crescentbin/pseuds/crescentbin
Summary: Everything is okay before it’s not. There’s always calm before a storm.





	Words I couldn’t tell you kept lingering in my mouth

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THE TAGS I don't want to hurt anyone

Everything is okay before it’s not. There’s always calm before a storm.

 

Stray kids had just celebrated their first anniversary as a group.

 

The calm.

 

They had gone out for meat with JYP (who they were slightly less awkward with now) everyone was happy. Stays had congratulated them. They were one of the most successful rookie groups.

 

Felix was gone from them, a mere one day later. One day that changed everything.

 

The storm.

 

It was Chan who found him. Or rather, didn’t find him. At least, not where he should have been. Felix wasn’t supposed to be on the veranda. Felix wasn’t supposed have a blank look staring off into nowhere. He wasn’t supposed to be cold. And most importantly, he wasn’t supposed to be hanging from a rope around his neck. 

 

It was Woojin who called the manager. He was broken as much as the others but someone would have to keep their calm. He couldn’t expect it from the youngers, all barely even adults, yet out on their own in the world. They couldn’t expect so much of Chan. So he would expect it from himself.

 

It was Minho who tried to ignore it. He knew somewhat of Felix’s pain. Or so he thought before. Did he really know, or did he assume he did? Did he assume the pats on his back were enough to tell him that he understood, that he loved him? Did he fail? 

 

It was Changbin who couldn’t even look at Felix’s cold, limp body for even a second. He walked out of the apartment into the still winter of seoul, still in his pajamas. He kept walking. He couldn’t think, so he would just walk. Maybe this way when he went back the real Felix would be back again.

 

It was Hyunjin who took felix’s body off the rope and brought him inside. Felix was loud. Felix is too quiet now. He still hugged him. Felix was warm. Felix is too cold now. Felix was always small. Felix is too small now.

 

It was Jisung who found felix’s scars. Jisung knew. Jisung knew too much. He hadn’t said anything. He thought he knew. He thought he had it under control. He knew he hadn’t. Jisung knew soon those scars would appear on his own skin. Jisung knew. 

 

It was Seungmin who cried. He should have done better. He should have talked to felix more. He should have done anything to help him. He should have done everything to help him. He should have know. Maybe, maybe he could have stopped it.

 

It was Jeongin that made himself forget. It was Jeongin who went through felix’s sweaters to find the biggest one and put it on. It was Jeongin who laid in felix’s unused bed, tyrin to get him back in any way. It was Jeongin who found the letter. 

 

The dorm was a mess. Chan staring out the veranda into the sky. Woojin trying his best to be organized and contact changbin to come back. Minho sitting on the couch, headphones in, eyes dull. Changbin, missing. Hyunjin, still hugging Felix. Jisung sitting beside them, deep in thought. Seungmin crying silently, standing in the corner of the room. Jeongin waving a sheet of paper around, trying to get their attention.

 

He handed the paper to Woojin, who open it and started reading, voice cracking, giving away his state no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

 

_ hi _

 

_ it’s felix and I guess, if you’re reading this, my plans did work. don’t feel like it’s your fault because it’s not. _

 

_ no matter what i love you still. every single one of you. _

 

_ i’m sorry our goodbye was like this. but you’ll be okay. you’ll go on and be better, more successful. leave me here in your past, where i belong.  _

 

_ Chan hyung; thank you for helping me and always being there for me. no matter what, you were there to help. even if it meant you would suffer. you helped me debut and gave me some of the happiest times of my life. just because i’m not there to stop you doesn’t mean you can work late into the night. _

 

_ Woojin hyung; once our team was made you took over and helped chan hyung mother us and i’m grateful for the year. i can’t be there to tell you but stop expecting so much of yourself. Sometimes you can’t do everything. you say we’re so young, but hyung, so are you.  _

 

_ Minho hyung; you taught me so many things and you were there for me when the bad stuff happened. even though you must have been broken, you helped me again, told me come practice with you. I won’t be there now but do go practice with hyunjin. don’t give up, and don’t listen. _

 

_ Changbin hyung; you took me under your wing really when i first came from australia. i barely even knew any korean. you did your best to help me and thank you. i love you hyung. you might not have your lix but i know you can go on and be bigger and better without me. _

 

_ Hyunjin; you helped me in ways you don’t even know. you’re the same age as me but sometimes you just feel older. wiser. thank you for helping me so much. don’t be so self conscious, you’re absolutely perfect in every way. _

 

_ Jisung; i didn’t know i would end up this close with you. but i did. since the survival show. we cried together. I hope you won’t cry alone now. i hope you don’t cry at all. i’m okay now. don’t worry about me. _

 

_ Seungmin; i know you, of everyone, would be wondering, what you could have done to change this. and there’s nothing. please don’t hold it against yourself, you’re so hardworking and talented. but this was one thing working harder couldn’t have achieved. go on. _

 

_ Jeongin; i’m sorry i did this to you. you’re not even an adult. i wish you could just forgot i ever existed. i do wonder how you go through so many things at such a young age and i hope i’m gone from your memory soon. _

 

_ i love you. _

 

Changbin had walked back in at some point. They were all sitting in the living room. All staring in different directions. All with different thoughts, leading to the same one. 

 

Felix was gone now. 

 

And there was nothing they could do.

 

**Author's Note:**

> really OOC but I needed to write some angst to get it out of my system.
> 
> twt: @/crescentbin


End file.
